Remember
that
you have to view this in the context of a laid back (I think
Americans call it "kicked back") Aussie truck driver (that's me)
travelling
around the Southern States of the United States of America.... in a car,
mind
you,
not a truck. I hasten to add that this is meant in no way
to belittle the Officers in question in any way. These
pair
of blokes were great! It just was what I thought was a very funny
encounter!
This
story
involves being pulled over by a couple of enthusiastic young
Police Officers...(maybe Highway Patrol, or something... I dunno!)
about
half an hour or so East of Houston on I-10....... I think it was.
I
will
recount it to the best of my memory, complete with the language
used..... as I said, I am pretty bloody laid back and all of what was
said
by yours truly was said with a grin. There is slight
embellishment,
but not very much!
It
will
take a bloody lot longer to recount here, in text, than it took
to happen!
Incidentally,
I
had been warned that you do not do what you are
advised to do in Australia, if you are accosted by the Police. That is,
in Australia, should the coppers "wheel you in", you get out of your
car/truck/whatever
and wander back to meet them about half way. It is a sort of a courtesy
thing as they are usually none too impressed if you sit and wait for
them
in your vehicle. I understand that in USA, the trick is to sit and
wait,
with your hand well and truly exposed so that they know you're not
about
to shoot at them! Strueth! I sure as hell would hate to be a copper in
your country, working under that sort of duress!
Okay!
So
the scene goes something like this......
NOTE:- I was driving a hire/rental car with
Montana plates! This piece of information will be relevant a little
later
in the story!
I
had
departed Gadsden, Alabama, fairly early in the morning. As I was
fresh, and your roads are so bloody good, I made pretty good time and I
was somewhere out where they were doing all those roadworks on the
Eastern
side of Houston in October, last year. My guess it was about half an
hour
or so outside the city limits.
The
time
was probably about 2 or 3 AM and I was starting to feel a little
ordinary.... not exactly tired, but sure as hell not as fresh as one
would
want to be. I had been looking for a parking bay (rest area..... is
that
what you blokes call it?) for some time, so that I could have a bit of
a snooze to freshen up, before tackling the last little bit into town.
Every time I saw an entrance to one, the signposts alerting motorists
of
the entrance were way too close to the exit, and I was at risk of being
run over by the truckies! Not a good idea!
Anyway,
someone
had told me that those dual 70/60 MPH signs meant that
at night, heavy vehicles had to reduce to 60 MPH, whilst
ordinary
cars could remain at 70. This being the case, I had set the cruise
control
at 73, figuring that the Troopers would allow about 10% as happens here!
Next
thing
I know, the disco lights went off behind me! I reckoned that
they would be more....... accommodating if I stopped ASAP, so I pulled
over, immediately!
I
kept
my hands on top of the steering wheel (as advised) and sat and
waited
for the lads to walk up to me! One walked up each side of my car,
40,000
watt torches blazing, looking inside the car! I thought to myself.....
Strueth! These blokes don't muck about! This would never occur
in Oz, unless
you had been either a maniac or had given them a hard time! Now, me? I
had complied immediately, so I was a tad perplexed!
At
this
time I hadn't seen a face due to the very bright
torches!
The
following
conversation ensued! Try and read what I type for the
conversation,
phonetically!
| Cop
#1 |
|
(Words to
the effect of) "Good
morning, Driver" |
| Me |
|
"Gerday,
mate! Owyagoin'?" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Scuse me?" |
| Me |
|
"Shit, mate!
All I said was
owyagoin'? Errrrr.... Owareyamate?
Orright?" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Scuse me?" |
| Me |
|
"Awwwww!
Shit! How-are-ya-going-mate?
This bloody accent of mine is gonna get me into shit... I can see that!" |
| Cop#1 |
|
A grunt,
then, "Could Ah see
yah larsence, please?" (at least that's
what it sounded
like to me) |
| Me |
|
"Ay?
Oh! You want my
licence, mate? Ummmm. Mate, it's in my wallet, which is in my hip
pocket. I'm gonna have ta get outta the car. Don't shoot!" |
|
|
|
|
|
At this
point I think he worked
out I was a vacationer from..... somewhere... and he started grinning
when
I mentioned the bit about not shooting! |
|
|
As I was
getting out of the
car he said, "Do you real-arse (that's what it sounded like to me ...
took
me a while to work out he said realise) you were doing 74 MPH on a 60
zone?"
|
| Me |
|
"Well, your
speedo's dead
accurate!" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Huh?" (I
guess this perplexed
him because I assume few people admit when they've....made an error!) |
| Me |
|
"That's
exactly what I was
doing! I though that the 60 meant for heavy vehicle only at
night, and
that cars could still do 70" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Nope! Tha's
fur allah traffic!" |
| Me |
|
"Well! I'll
be f***ed! Mate!
I didn't know! I honestly thought what I said!" |
|
|
I got my
licence out and handed
it to him. |
| Me |
|
"You ever
seen one of them,
before, mate?" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Hell, no!
What all place
does this come from?" |
| Me |
|
"Mate,
that's an Aussie licence!" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"What's this
class farve sea?" |
| Me |
|
"Ay? What
the hell are you
on about?" |
|
|
He then
showed me the endorsement,
"class 5C". |
| Me |
|
"Oh! That?
Mate, that's a
road train licence" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Y'all drive
trains on the
road in Oars-trail-ya?" |
| Me |
|
"What?
Oh! Strueth,
mate! Those are big trucks with many trailers all hooked together
to the one prime mover....errrrr... tractor! Some gross over
120Tons...
errrrrr ... about 240,000 lbs, or so!" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Dayum!" |
|
|
|
|
|
He
then handed my licence
over to cop #2! For the first time I noticed what they looked
like!
Both were reasonably young blokes. Cop #1 was white and the other bloke
was black. |
|
|
|
| Cop#2 |
|
"Dayum!
Ah
ain't nevah
seen wunna doze befowah" (I am trying to imitate a Texas accent, rather
than trying to differentiate between the two coppers, or belittle
either!
Bloody hard to do, in text! This is what they sounded
like to my
ears, un-used to listening to Texans! |
|
|
|
|
|
My warped
sense of humour
went into over-drive and, after I said it, I realised that the
next words
I uttered weren't the smartest words I ever said in my life! |
|
|
|
| Me |
|
"Strueth!
What
are you
blokes? The bloody black and white minstrels?"
"Ooooops!
I didn't mean
that how it sounded!" |
|
|
|
|
|
Well, blow
me down, but they
both roared with laughter! |
|
|
|
| Cop#2
(the black bloke) |
|
"You Arsie's
are crazy, man!" |
|
|
|
|
|
This next
bit is what really
got to me! Cop#1 pointed to the car (remember the tags on it). |
|
|
|
| Cop#1 |
|
"Y'all drive
that car allaway
heeeyah from Oars-trail-yah?" |
|
|
|
|
|
Again, I
said what was probably
not the smartest thing I ever said in my life! |
|
|
|
| Me |
|
"Don't be
f***ing stupid!
Whadderya bloody think I am? Bloody superman?" |
|
|
|
|
|
Again, they
burst out laughing! |
|
|
|
| Cop#2 |
|
Something
along the lines
of......"Awwww. man! You crack me up!" |
|
|
|
|
|
At this
stage, I was starting
to sigh in relief, because I had realised that I had made a monumental
faux pas, or three!!! |
|
|
|
| Cop#1 |
|
"Whar all
did ya jus' come
from?" |
| Me |
|
"Gadsden." |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Whar all is
that?" |
| Me |
|
"Up near
Birmingham, Alabama". |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Y'all drive
straight through?" |
| Me |
|
"Yeah,
mate! I am an
Aussie! We've got a bit of 'go' in us, you know!" |
| Cops#1
& #2 |
|
"Dayum!" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Whar all ya
going from heeyah?" |
| Me |
|
"Houston" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Whar all in
Houston?" |
| Me |
|
"Buggered if
I know, mate!
I could drive there, or explain to you, but I haven't a clue what the
address
is! I can give you a phone number where I will be". |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Nevah
mind. How long
y'all staying in Houston?" |
| Me |
|
"Matter of
fact, I will be
there a day, then I am flying out the next morning." |
|
|
|
|
|
Cop#1
seemed to want
to do most of the talking, although the other bloke kept laughing his
head
off! I guess he had never heard an Aussie (as relaxed as I) talk
, before!!! Perhaps he was too busy laughing to ask me questions! |
|
|
|
| Cop#1 |
|
"Whar to?" |
| Me |
|
"Ay?
Whadderyasay?" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Whar y'all
goin' to after
Houston?" |
| Me |
|
"Ahhhh!
Mate,
I am flying
to San Francisco." |
| Cop#1 |
|
"Y'all got
any drergs in t'
car?" |
| Me |
|
"What????" |
| Cop#1 |
|
"You
know. Drergs!
Lark pot or marrywarnah!" |
| Me |
|
"Oh!
You mean drugs?
Shit, no, mate!" |
|
|
|
|
|
Could this
say something about
San Francisco, perhaps, or at least how it is perceived? |
|
|
|
| Cop#1 |
|
"Pop the
trernk, please!" |
| Me |
|
"Ay?
Oh! You mean open
the boot?" (Aussie's say "Ay" a lot, you may notice!) |
| Cop#1
(sotto voce) |
|
"Whatever!' |
| Me |
|
"Sure,
mate! Here ya
go!" |
|
|
|
|
|
Then I
remembered that I had
all these blister packs of Zantac that I take for a hiatus hernia and I
thought to myself, if these blokes see all of them, they are gonna get
a bad impression. |
|
|
|
| Me |
|
"Errr!
Mate! I forgot
to tell you........... I take these Zantac and I have a shitload of
them
in my bags!' |
|
|
|
|
|
At this
point I though the
cop#2 was gonna piss his pants, he was laughing so hard! |
|
|
|
| Cop#1 |
|
"Go
on! Close the dayumed
thang! Y'all are mad!" |
| Me |
|
"Thanks,
mate! To an Aussie,
that's a compliment! We're all bloody lunatics!" |
|
|
|
|
|
Well, that
was the end of
BOTH of the Troopers! I realised at this point how hard the cop#1
had been trying to keep a straight face because he lost it
completely!
He started laughing until he seemed to be having a hard time getting
breath! |
|
|
Once he
regained his composure,
he held out his hand and shook mine. Then the other bloke did the
same! |
|
|
|
| Cop#1 |
|
"Y'all have
a nice stay in
Houston and enjoy the rest of your visit to America! Man! You're
nuts! Get outta here, and remember, that's 60 MPH for ALL
traffic,
at night!" |
|
|
|
|
|
Throughout
all of this, the
trucks had been slowly driving past, checking out the scene! I
wonder
how often they saw a motorist get his hands shook by a couple of Police
Officers?? In all my years on the road in Australia I have only
seen
it happen once or twice! |
|
|
In
retrospect, I now realise
that I could have gotten myself into all sorts of strife,
through the fact
I had a hard time understanding them and because I was
so bloody naive,
but it turned out well in the end! |
|